LAMP Posts #1: Can I Want All The Things I Want?
A reader asks about the desiring what we can't have
Thank you for trusting me with your questions, and I hope my thoughts are helpful. You can submit a question to LAMP Posts here.
Q: There's this Simone de Beauvoir quote that’s bouncing around in my head: "We can't have all the things we want, but we can want all the things we want". I'm curious about how to think about this from an Islamic perspective.... to desire things we can’t have, seems like a "safe" enough escape, but I'm worried it’s also sinful to maintain these desires (even without having any intentions to actively seek them out/take steps to materialize them). Can I still want all the things I want?
A: First, thank you for raising such a thoughtful question and trusting me with it. I’m honored you sought my input, and while I can’t answer questions of lawfulness nor morality from an Islamic perspective, I can give you my thoughts as a psychiatrist who is a practicing Muslim, striving within my own faith.
I see a couple dimensions to your question; the first is whether one can, or should, desire things that are not halal (lawful), if there’s no intent to act upon them. First, I think it’s important to note that the establishing of what was halal and haram wasn’t necessarily designed for the halal to be easy to want and the haram to be difficult to want. Second, the juristic lawfulness of an action based on tangible steps toward it, not merely desiring it. Third, the designation of halal/haram may not be for a certain action, but in the context in which that action take place (e.g., sex within marriage vs. outside it).
From a psychological perspective, the id is the impulsive part of the psyche that drives us, and the superego is the moral compass that inhibits the id. The superego helps restrain the natural impulses of the id from manifesting as socially inappropriate behavior.
In the neuroanatomical sense, the limbic system of the brain is our “lizard” brain from which our fight-or-flight instincts emanate, but the prefrontal cortex (which doesn’t develop until our mid-20s) is the part of the brain that helps regulate the limbic system.
In all these frameworks—fiqh, Freudian psychoanalysis, and neuroanatomy, there is a clear demarcation between having a desire vs. acting upon that desire, and the human’s uniqueness is in its ability to choose not to act on desire.
It’s also worth recognizing that desire is a powerful motivating force for behavior, so even if desire alone is not problematic, if it drives behavior, it can be. And that’s where I think the second dimension of your question lies: desiring things that are attainable—practically or legally—but that may not be best for us spiritually (like excess wealth). In other words, how can one re-orient our wants to be of that higher moral station? How can one not just avoid acting upon the desire for something, but to temper or sublimate desire altogether?
This is, after all, the higher spiritual station: to have the desire not for a material life, but for a spiritual life. To have rida (contentment) with ones circumstances, not just sabr (patience). That, I believe, comes with a singular focus on the temporality of this realm, a consistent reminder of what comes next, and a moral anchor that prioritizes discipline and self-restraint.
I’ll end with the actual quote: "You can't have everything you want, but you can want everything you want." You ask if you can want all the things you want, even if you can’t have them. I would say that the most satisfying place to be is to want everything you already have—that, I think, is the basis of contentment.