Cognitive Distortions and the Work of Self-Improvement in Relationships

When someone learns I’m a psychiatrist, they inevitably ask if I’m analyzing them. Much like a dentist might intuitively observe people’s teeth, it’s less analysis and more exposure for me to notice one’s thinking patterns—they stand out like textured brushstrokes in a painting.

This is the work of cognitive-behavioral therapy: recognizing how one thinks, and how it affects one’s emotions and shapes one’s behavior.

(Image by HopeWay)

The Deception of the Self

One pitfall of modern culture is believing that because we think something, it’s true—elevating subjective experience above all else, including sacred truth.

In my faith tradition, I’m taught something quite different: that the human is prone to err, that our desires can cloud our judgment, and that we stay vigilant upon the truth.

And in my line of work, I’ve seen the brain create hallucinations, accept the gaslighting of abusers, and convince itself that harm is love. If the mind can distort reality that wildly, it’s easy to see how it can misinterpret a comment, a tone, or a forgotten text message.Yet nobody ever thinks it’s their brain that’s inaccurate.

The work of therapy—particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy—is actually deeply aligned with a concept called tazkiyah (self-purification). Both ask us to examine our internal states with honesty, to recognize where we’re deceiving ourselves, and to bring our thoughts into alignment with objective truth.

Cognitive Distortions: When the Mind Distorts Reality

Cognitive distortions are biased thinking patterns that warp our perception of reality. The brain creates the lens through which we view the world and come to conclusions about it. And it’s often wrong.

Here are a few examples of how these show up in our daily lives:

• “My wife and I got into a huge argument; our marriage is a failure.” (Black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking)

• “I did too much screen time today; my child’s brain is ruined.” (Catastrophizing)

• “My child had a meltdown at the store—everyone thinks I can’t control my kids.” (Personalization + Mind reading)

• “My husband did the dishes today but he forgot to wipe the counter. He never does this right.” (Overgeneralization)

The thing is, when you think each of these things in the moment, it feels true. You think your marriage is a failure or a child’s life is ruined, so you feel despair or anxiety. You think your spouse doesn’t care about you, so you feel lonely or rejected.

And then, those emotions are where you operate from in terms of your behavior. Perhaps you shut down, or you lash out, or you withdraw.

Metacognition as Muraqabah

To think about your thoughts is called metacognition, and it’s an essential part of emotional regulation. We might even call this something akin to muraqabah—which gets translated to mindfulness, or meditation—with the technical definition being closest to “watchfulness”.

It’s akin to stepping back from our thoughts and taking a look at them objectively, rather than being carried away by every notion that crosses our minds.

But if you question your thoughts—isn’t that overthinking? And how can you trust anything you think anymore?

No—this isn’t the same as getting stuck in rumination or anxiety spirals. Rather, it’s about creating healthy distance from one’s thoughts—not being so married to them, and viewing them with objectivity and grounding in truth.

We’re taught to seek refuge from thoughts that mislead: “O God, I seek refuge in You from anxiety and grief, from incapacity and laziness...” This du’a acknowledges that our internal experiences—our worries, our narratives—can at times overpower us.

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Part of CBT is creating a “thought record”—gathering objective evidence that supports or challenges a thought—to get to the truth rather than stay in our feelings.

Here’s what those reframes can look like with the previous examples:

• “My husband and I got into a huge argument; our marriage is a failure.” → “We’ve had a couple of big arguments this year, but we’ve also had many good days. One conflict doesn’t negate our entire relationship. Perhaps we need better skills at conflict resolution, but this doesn’t mean our marriage is doomed.”

• “I did too much screen time today; my child’s brain is ruined.” → “I can always change my approach to screen time. I’m jumping to the worst outcome while they’re still very young.”

• “My child had a meltdown at the store—everyone thinks I can’t control my kids.” → “Tantrums are developmentally normal and not a reflection of bad parenting. I’m assuming what people are thinking—and also assuming the worst. Most of them have had these days too!”

• “My husband did the dishes today but he forgot to wipe the counter. He never does this right.” → “He normally does both; he probably was distracted or rushed today.”

The Work of Self-Improvement Happens in Relationships

One crucial goal of this work is, over time, to recognize our core beliefs and problematic patterns: perfectionism, excessive need for control, intolerance of uncertainty, unreasonably high expectations. These often stem from deep-seated fears or wounds, and they shape how we see everything.

Our closest relationships are the arena in which our cognitive distortions become most apparent—and also where the opportunity most arises to challenge them. Marriage isn’t called half our deen for no reason; it’s the place where we most intimately have the opportunity to practice mercy, compassion, and self-improvement.

The expectation that relationships should be smooth sailing 100% of the time is itself a distortion. We don’t come to our relationships perfect; a frictionless relationship isn’t necessarily the most successful one. The friction can be what polishes us, if we allow it to.

An Invitation to Self-Examination

Here’s an exercise you can try this week: Pick one thought that’s creating friction in a relationship. Pause, write it down, and ask yourself two questions:

• Is this a fact or a feeling?

• What objective evidence supports or challenges this thought?

The goal isn’t to gaslight yourself into positivity, but to see more clearly—to align your subjective perception with objective reality.

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In the coming weeks, I’ll explore specific cognitive distortions in depth—how they show up in our homes and relationships.

I’d love to hear from you: which thought patterns do you struggle with the most? What have you done, or are willing to try doing, to challenge them?