How To Say Yes Even When You Don't Want To
But why would you do anything you don’t want to?
Several of my essays in 2024 focused on doing less and saying no–essentially, paring down for a simpler life and to better preserve myself. That all still stands, but as the new year starts, I also want to explore the opposite take: Sometimes, we just need to say yes, even when we don’t want to.
This isn’t the typical advice you see these days. More often than not, the message now is about how to say no, and often based purely on your comfort and convenience. Do you want to do x? No? Well, just say no then! You MUST say no and have strict boundaries to get over your trauma and your people-pleasing and to protect your peace.
That has its place–in particular for overworked and overextended people (including many, many moms). I am in no way negating that, and if you’re someone who struggles to say “no”, it remains an essential skill to learn and practice.
At the same time, an over-focus on boundaries can result in being so insular that we become unwilling to inconvenience ourselves in the slightest.
In the greater context of Western frameworks of individualism, capitalism, and hedonism–which have created an environment that enables selfishness and greed–saying no to others and yes to yourself can become reflexive. But when the self is so centered, we develop an inability to tolerate discomfort–it’s why we have “safe spaces” and censorship of anything that offends. We start to lack patience–it’s why we are quick to cancel, block, and cut off. We turn a blind eye to plights around the world–because we “just don’t have the bandwidth.”
When everything becomes about what we want, we have no tolerance for anything that makes us uncomfortable or challenges us. And we need to have that tolerance not just to survive, but to thrive. Our ability to tolerate–tolerate distress, uncertainty, differences–is protective for our mental health. Distress tolerance helps reduce anxiety and overwhelm. So does uncertainty tolerance. And tolerating differences improves interpersonal functioning.
Saying no can certainly help us be more comfortable, but there’s also good that comes from discomfort: discomfort is an essential part of growth.
So while it’s essential to acknowledge our limits, it's also important to work on stretching those limits for our own betterment, and for the greater good. If saying no is an act of self-preservation, sometimes saying yes is an act of preserving community.
Perhaps the biggest thing in 2024 that I did not necessarily want was my husband to go to Gaza to volunteer as a physician. “If you say no, I won’t go,” my husband had said. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t say no because that didn’t feel like the right thing to do. I said yes because it was for the greater good.
How can I be the person who can joyfully—or even dutifully—says yes, rather than feel limited and say no?
For me, stretching my limits comes first from dua. One of the duas I make often when I feel overwhelmed is asking Allah to increase me in capacity, to help me become the person I need to be to deal with the situation I am in, rather than remove myself from it because I can’t handle it.
When I want something about my circumstances to change, I ask first for Him to help me change myself.
When I feel particularly exhausted by mothering, I ask: “Ya Allah, increase me in patience with my children.”
When I feel annoyed with my husband, I ask: “Ya Allah, increase me in grace toward my husband and strengthen our bond.”
When I might interpret something with negativity, I ask: “Ya Allah, help me to find the good here.”
When I feel like I just don’t have enough time, I ask: “Ya Allah, put barakah in my time and give me the wisdom to discern how to best use my time.”
Stretching one’s limits also comes from practice. Evaluate places you can extend yourself: Meet at the time or the location that may be a little more inconvenient for you. Carve out the time for the chat. Take a friend to the airport. Help out a coworker. Help out a family member. Give someone a second chance. Agree to mentor the student who asked. Recognize that not everything has to be an enthusiastic yes.
Saying yes has a word for it: “agreeableness”
Agreeableness is one of the “Big Five” personality traits, and it is partly innate. But it can also be enhanced with practice, and there’s merit to practicing it: Agreeability is positively associated with better mental health, and it is such an important skill in relationship management. Being agreeable in relationships helps us in perspective-taking and curiosity to understand others and their points of view. It helps us be more generous, empathetic, and results in greater life satisfaction.
So in 2025, while I’ll still be thinking about how to say no and do less, I’ll also be thinking about saying yes and doing more. I’ll be thinking about not just having limits, but where those limits are set.
I’d love to hear from you. What’s something that you’re saying yes to this year (even if you don’t really want to)?
I absolutely love this. It’s so refreshing to read something like this in a culture that prioritises comfort and overprotects feelings. You’ve struck a nice balance between taking care of yourself and being there for others, even when it’s not convenient. Life isn’t convenient. It challenges us with struggles and obstacles, and if we want to grow, we must have the courage to step out of our comfort zones, face the struggles head-on, and when the time is right, pause to reflect on how much we’ve grown along the way.
This year, I’ve decided to say yes to leaving the job I worked so hard to get in an exchange for starting a family in a small village on the Mediterranean coast. I’m ready to let go of all the hard work I’ve invested because I trust the feeling in my heart that this is no longer what I want. I’m ready to trust my partner, myself, and my guts, and to build a future I can truly enjoy—even if it means earning less.
It’s painful to give up years of effort. It’s hard to leave behind friends and family. It's scary to leave the certainty and stability my job provides. But I won't know if it's worth it unless I do it.
Thank you for bringing forth another profound topic. It touches on the often unspoken struggles and triumphs of balancing self-preservation with selflessness. Your words gently guide us toward deeper wisdom, reminding us of the complexity and significance behind each decision to say “yes” or “no.”
First, I must commend your husband’s work in Gaza and your role in supporting that decision. This is a remarkable example of stepping into discomfort for a higher purpose. Such acts, aligned with Allah’s teachings and the example of our Prophet (peace be upon him), embody the essence of purposeful living. In this context, late President Jimmy Carter’s words also come to mind. He had said, “I have learned that our greatest blessings come when we are able to improve the lives of others, and this is especially true when those others are desperately poor or in need.”
Setting limits and embracing discomfort are, as you noted, deeply intertwined. While saying “no” is a necessary boundary in a world rife with overextension, there is also a divine inspired courage in saying “yes.” For Muslims, this courage is rooted in the compass of Allah’s command to worship Him, viewing every action, relationship, and sacrifice as an act of devotion. With this perspective, stepping out of our comfort zone becomes less a chore and more a calling - one that lifts us beyond the ordinary.
I am reminded of the Quranic verse you alluded to, where Allah assures us in Surah Al-Baqarah that He does not burden a soul beyond its capacity. Yet, what is truly miraculous is how, through the trials we endure and the sacrifices we make for others, our capacity grows. It is in these moments of discomfort - those acts of saying “yes” when it would have been easier to say “no” - that we discover our own potential. With every act of service, we align ourselves with the divine promise that capacity is not fixed but ever-expanding through faith and perseverance.
The beauty of relationships as I see it lies in the same principle. Agreeableness, as you thoughtfully explored, is not mere compliance but an act of understanding, empathy, and generosity - qualities that strengthen bonds with family, friends, and even strangers. The Prophet’s (peace be upon him) teaching that “the believers are like a single body” reminds us that personal discomfort often fades in light of the greater good we bring to our community. When one part aches, the whole body feels it, urging us to actively seek the well-being of others.
In my view, this spirit of agreeableness does not diminish our sense of self but rather elevates it. Saying “yes,” even when inconvenient, reflects a heart attuned to the divine balance of justice and mercy. Whether it’s mentoring a student, taking a friend to the airport, or supporting a spouse in their mission, each act of stretching ourselves is a step toward a life worth living - a life rooted in service to our Lord and to those around us.
Ultimately, your reflections remind us that the boundaries we set, whether to protect our peace or to extend ourselves for others, are not just arbitrary lines but tools for a meaningful existence. When anchored in the eternal wisdom of serving Allah and uplifting humanity, these choices become clearer. Saying “yes” and doing more, even when it challenges us, transforms discomfort into growth, inconvenience into blessing, and sacrifice into reward. It is, as you so beautifully described, the path to a fuller, richer life.
Thank you again for this thought-provoking piece, and may your journey into 2025 be filled with the wisdom to discern, the strength to stretch, and the grace to embrace both “yes” and “no” in their rightful places.