LAMP Posts #2: How Do I Reconcile Principles of Sacrifice with People-Pleasing?
A reader asks about people-pleasing in the context of religious principles of selflessness and sacrifice
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Q: I would like to ask you to please help me clear my head on the topic of 'people pleasing', especially from an Islamic perspective.
I have grown up believing that Islam teaches us to be selfless, and puts a high emphasis on sacrifice, and on avoiding and de-escalating conflicts.
And this is how I am in my personality now - only to realize that these are traits of a 'people pleaser', which is not really seen as a positive trait.
I am sure I am missing something here, and I am hoping you can help me clear this concept.
Thanks in advance.
A
A: First, thank you for this thoughtful question and allowing me to share my input with you. You’ve touched on a tension that many people navigate, especially those raised in collectivist cultures or with religious beliefs that value sacrifice and selflessness.
I’d be curious to have a fuller picture of the specific behaviors you’ve identified as people-pleasing, but I’ll work with what you’ve shared here. Something interesting about your phrasing caught my attention: “this is how I am in my personality…which is not really seen as a positive trait”. In other words, you describe how your people-pleasing may be seen (by others) as negative. It seems you may be worried that your people-pleasing isn’t actually pleasing to people!
The Self vs. Community Balance
Here’s how I think about this as a psychiatrist: Western philosophical traditions tend to emphasize the individual self: self-actualization, self-fulfillment, etc. whereas ancient traditions, including Islam, have tended toward understanding the self as unit within a community.
Both are necessary aspects of maintaining wellbeing; we have to have self-preservation, and yet we also exist in community.
The question becomes: where’s your balance?
When Does Selflessness Become a Problem?
I am not sure from your question if it comes from a place of feeling like you’ve lost yourself in taking care of others, or if your selflessness bothers you. If so, this is where having awareness of cues like resentment are important so you realize when you’re pushing yourself too far past your limits.
If you’ve struggled to say “no” or set limits, it’s important to be able to do so to preserve yourself within your relationships and to have a sense of personhood and agency—especially when that causes no harm to another person.
You simply can’t be all things to all people, and so some selectiveness in the people you actively strive for, or what you do to strive for them, is necessary.
Reframing Intent: Pleasing God vs. Pleasing People
Now when it comes to the intent of pleasing people, as a Muslim, I try to keep my intent as pleasing God.
This provides helpful clarity. If, for example, someone wants me to partake in gossip or cut ethical corners, that takes me out of alignment with my religions values—even if it would “please” the person in the moment.
And I try to remember that intention the other way, too: it may be pleasing to drop off dinner to a new neighbor, if it is with the intent of pleasing God and establishing ties with my neighbors, isn’t just people-pleasing, it’s an act of service.
There are a lot of things I get wrong, but I try.
What You Can and Can't Control
I also try to remember that I can control my actions, but not others; reactions. A person being pleased with me is not within my locus of control. I can be of service to them and do my part; they can receive it however they want.
That neighbor could, for example, find my banana bread very off-putting. That reaction is not mine to own.
If you’ve found that saying no has resulted in someone being upset with you, you learn that saying “no” = bad, and that can be a difficult message to un-learn, but necessary.
The Bottom Line
I think embodying the virtues God has in our relationship with fellow humans helps us to be of service without feeling overburdened, but we are humans with human limits at the end of the day, ones we can try to continue to expand in, but that will always be finite.
The goal isn't to eliminate your caring nature or your desire to serve others. It's to ensure that service comes from a place of spiritual intention rather than fear, and that you're caring for yourself well enough to sustain that service over time
I hope that helps!
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