The Good Enough Mother

What Winnicott taught me about parenting

In psychiatry residency, well before I became a mother, part of our curriculum involved learning Dr. Donald Winnicott’s work. He was a pediatrician and a psychoanalyst who coined the term “the good enough mother.”

The idea he put forth, in broad strokes, was that a mother who was good enough, rather than perfect, actually inculcated in her children the ability to withstand disappointment and to cope with frustration.

By herself being the source of frustration at times, the child learned that the world too was imperfect–that the world too would be sometimes good, and sometimes not-so-good: sometimes, a source of negative feelings.

The mother’s “good-enough-ness” helps the child to grow into an adult who can tolerate frustration in relationships and people–not expecting that any person is all good all the time, or that their loved ones are incapable of ever disappointing them.

I’ve written about how I had to drop the overachieving shtick when I became a mother, just by the function of having less time. I pared down my professional ambitions and made peace with an untidier house. What I did not do was redirect my drive toward being an overachieving mother (except for that one time I made rainbow rice by dyeing batches of rice in six different colors, which my daughter played with a total of two times).

Instead, I’ve embraced the idea of the good enough mother not just professionally, but personally. I am a good enough mother. I won’t give my mothering a grade, but if I did it would certainly not be an A+, or even an A.

I love my children more than all of life and everything in it. I do my best, but what is most important is that I know I will sometimes fall short in my eyes, and maybe even theirs. I cannot be–nor desire to be–perfect. I’m attentive, but occasionally I’m not. I’m patient, and occasionally I’m not.

A few areas where I’m getting by:

• I throw the kids a birthday party, but it won’t have a balloon arch and definitely shouldn’t end up on Instagram.

• I’m almost certain my kids don’t eat enough vegetables. Most of the time they eat what we eat. If they don’t eat that, they go to bed hungry.

• Let’s just say my kids are not winning any best-dressed awards. My daughter’s hair is a struggle. I do what I can.

I see mothering as a marathon, and if I can’t sustain something in two months, I’m not doing it today. This is why I personally chose not to co-sleep and why I’m not often playing with my kids–because these aren’t choices I can habitually sustain without compromising too much on my mental health.

Social media in large part has created a visibility into others’ parenting that would suggest there is an “ideal” way to parent, but it is a filtered, distorted view–it’s not real, nor realistic. Perfection, as a parent, is unnecessary, and if anything, detrimental–never allowing the child to experience frustration and resolution in the context of a loving and nurturing relationship.

Unburdening myself from the idea that I need to be an overachieving mother, and that I can help my kids thrive simply by being a good enough mother, has gone hand-in-hand with simpler living. By taking the pressure off of parenting, I can enjoy the essence of our relationship in its imperfect—though unconditionally loving—beauty.

I don’t see my role as being a perfect mother who never makes mistakes. I see my role as someone who models how to exist in and cope with an imperfect world–to love fully and say sorry when I’m wrong, and to have grace and empathy–even toward myself.