Wow that last line is killer. Can we please make this post especially go viral?
I keep thinking of parenting this way. A little trauma goes a long way. I know I'm using the term very loosely and unclinically, but come on, since when did making a mistake (or a whole bunch of mistakes) as a parent ever been a real problem, so long as you are earnest and trying to do your decent best and you have reasonable emotional inteligence and ability to self regulate and co-regulate, and repair after hurting.
Someone might sue me for this but heck go smack your kid now and again if they really do something crazy. Not on the face or anything, but a small pop of the hand, if done sparingly, will do a wonder.
I ain't one to want to repeat generaltional trauma, but swinging all the way to the other side is certainly not that answer. As your blog title says, we are an ummah that seeks mediality. That might not be a word.
I really love what you said about autoimmune parenting. Very apropo framework. I reckon a child with a parent who is stuck in their ways but confident and stable (talking about regular ppl doing a decently well job) will fair better than a child who can't trust their parent because the parent doesn't trust their own self.
LOL, can always count on you for a chuckle. And yes, while I disagree on the trauma language (as we discussed before), I think the fact that you (and others!) ARE using the word trauma IS because the word has become so inaccurately used and pervasive in use.
Also big no from me on corporal punishment specifically, but I do think punishment, in my book, is part of parenting. Kids need rules, and they need to know consequences of not following those rules. Low-drama, natural consequences. You don't like what's for dinner? OK, guess it's to bed hungry.
And yes, I think the root of this is over-correcting and this was a part of the name of this substack!
Vow! Parenting is an amazing skill, if we follow Divine laws & are a living example for our kids. A simple life and spending more time with the kids in smaller homes, eating and praying together, is good for kids. Well written and thought provoking.
This really resonated with me! The early days of breastfeeding and scrolling social media were so toxic - I've found it much better to just follow my intuition, hold boundaries, discuss how we parent with my husband and try meet my kids individual needs.
Agreeee on all these! Writing this made me think more broadly too about how all the noise in the metaverse is drowning out our own intuition - not just in parenting, but in other areas too.
This take on parenting is refreshing to see resurface and to dissect the over information fed to new and even established parents. And applause to every parent trying to prep the kid not the road. And just to add food for thought- In a recent podcast I was listening to the doctor prescribed something for both adults and children in a tech stimulated world. Sit. Sit and be bored. Let the kids just sit in their environment and let them solve the problem of boredom. That’s how they create imagination and that’s how they learn to problem solve. We can’t create imagination for children but we can give tools. And letting them sit in Boredom can be a tool. What do you think?
I completely agree! I l want my kids to be "bored" -- and the funny thing is I can't remember the last time I was bored. Because when I'm just sitting there looking out the window my mind will eventually land on something interesting and I'll start writing!
This resonated with me so much. It’s hard not to crumble under the pressure of curated parenting content these days. Parenting is messy and beautiful and exhausting and ever changing and it’s ok to drop out of the parenting rat race sometimes and just embrace the here and now.
I really enjoyed this piece. The pressure to optimise our kids and ‘curate’ their childhood (great phrase!) can suck the joy out of day-to-day family life
I write for no other reason than to spur thought. Those thoughts take a variety of forms. I just published a short piece, packed with important thoughts for current and future parents. I’d love to connect with others over thoughts/feedback.
As a toddler mom, I thoroughly enjoyed this. I’ve been caught between what comes natural in motherhood and parenting vs what the internet say to do and not to do. This has helped me so much! Thank you.
Exactly! I recently read The Anxious Generation which explains that the US and UK are amongst the most anxious parents that over-protect their kids and avoid all kinds of danger, which in return deprive their kids' opportunity to build their resilience through moderate and necessary frustration. I wish more people can see that!
Wow! A really good post. Thank you for writing this!
I truly think we’ve become people watching too many “how to” videos and stress about not watching a video or read an article that might be game changing. But I feel like a little bit of knowledge goes a long way.
What we need more of is learning how to regulate ourselves, our anger and understand what’s going on in the child’s mind. It needs us putting ourselves into situations where we learn to regulate our emotions and action.
We don’t need a hundred and one tips on being a better parent or for that matter in other aspects of our lives. It only gives us analysis paralysis. Just learn the basics, try your best and learn from your mistakes.
And yeah your point about the moms early on leaving the children to go play in the farm made me think. Somehow we are a little too concerned and protective and don’t give the children room to fall and get back up.
It reminds me of a lecture I heard by Dr. Farhat Hashmi long long ago. In that she was talking about how when parents take the kids to the park, they’re preventing the kids from playing and exploring. She said if children fall (provided it’s just a minor thing), let them pick themselves up. Make them strong and brave.
Wow that last line is killer. Can we please make this post especially go viral?
I keep thinking of parenting this way. A little trauma goes a long way. I know I'm using the term very loosely and unclinically, but come on, since when did making a mistake (or a whole bunch of mistakes) as a parent ever been a real problem, so long as you are earnest and trying to do your decent best and you have reasonable emotional inteligence and ability to self regulate and co-regulate, and repair after hurting.
Someone might sue me for this but heck go smack your kid now and again if they really do something crazy. Not on the face or anything, but a small pop of the hand, if done sparingly, will do a wonder.
I ain't one to want to repeat generaltional trauma, but swinging all the way to the other side is certainly not that answer. As your blog title says, we are an ummah that seeks mediality. That might not be a word.
I really love what you said about autoimmune parenting. Very apropo framework. I reckon a child with a parent who is stuck in their ways but confident and stable (talking about regular ppl doing a decently well job) will fair better than a child who can't trust their parent because the parent doesn't trust their own self.
LOL, can always count on you for a chuckle. And yes, while I disagree on the trauma language (as we discussed before), I think the fact that you (and others!) ARE using the word trauma IS because the word has become so inaccurately used and pervasive in use.
Also big no from me on corporal punishment specifically, but I do think punishment, in my book, is part of parenting. Kids need rules, and they need to know consequences of not following those rules. Low-drama, natural consequences. You don't like what's for dinner? OK, guess it's to bed hungry.
And yes, I think the root of this is over-correcting and this was a part of the name of this substack!
What are more accurate words for what people call "trauma" but isnt?
Vow! Parenting is an amazing skill, if we follow Divine laws & are a living example for our kids. A simple life and spending more time with the kids in smaller homes, eating and praying together, is good for kids. Well written and thought provoking.
Thanks for reading! I am all about simplicity in parenting
This really resonated with me! The early days of breastfeeding and scrolling social media were so toxic - I've found it much better to just follow my intuition, hold boundaries, discuss how we parent with my husband and try meet my kids individual needs.
Agreeee on all these! Writing this made me think more broadly too about how all the noise in the metaverse is drowning out our own intuition - not just in parenting, but in other areas too.
Lets go back to assembling ikea furniture without reading the pamphlet, but in all of life 🤣
This take on parenting is refreshing to see resurface and to dissect the over information fed to new and even established parents. And applause to every parent trying to prep the kid not the road. And just to add food for thought- In a recent podcast I was listening to the doctor prescribed something for both adults and children in a tech stimulated world. Sit. Sit and be bored. Let the kids just sit in their environment and let them solve the problem of boredom. That’s how they create imagination and that’s how they learn to problem solve. We can’t create imagination for children but we can give tools. And letting them sit in Boredom can be a tool. What do you think?
I completely agree! I l want my kids to be "bored" -- and the funny thing is I can't remember the last time I was bored. Because when I'm just sitting there looking out the window my mind will eventually land on something interesting and I'll start writing!
This resonated with me so much. It’s hard not to crumble under the pressure of curated parenting content these days. Parenting is messy and beautiful and exhausting and ever changing and it’s ok to drop out of the parenting rat race sometimes and just embrace the here and now.
I really enjoyed this piece. The pressure to optimise our kids and ‘curate’ their childhood (great phrase!) can suck the joy out of day-to-day family life
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts! It really does. I remind myself of that- kids don’t need a lot, love and wonder comes so easy to them
So true!
Autoimmune parenting. Beautiful way to put words to what I've been thinking about. Great piece.
Thanks for reading and sharing Shoaib!
I write for no other reason than to spur thought. Those thoughts take a variety of forms. I just published a short piece, packed with important thoughts for current and future parents. I’d love to connect with others over thoughts/feedback.
https://substack.com/@secondprinciples/note/p-176360747?r=755xv&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
As a toddler mom, I thoroughly enjoyed this. I’ve been caught between what comes natural in motherhood and parenting vs what the internet say to do and not to do. This has helped me so much! Thank you.
Exactly! I recently read The Anxious Generation which explains that the US and UK are amongst the most anxious parents that over-protect their kids and avoid all kinds of danger, which in return deprive their kids' opportunity to build their resilience through moderate and necessary frustration. I wish more people can see that!
https://ownershipmindset.substack.com/p/parenting-has-taught-me-to-love-myself
Wow! A really good post. Thank you for writing this!
I truly think we’ve become people watching too many “how to” videos and stress about not watching a video or read an article that might be game changing. But I feel like a little bit of knowledge goes a long way.
What we need more of is learning how to regulate ourselves, our anger and understand what’s going on in the child’s mind. It needs us putting ourselves into situations where we learn to regulate our emotions and action.
We don’t need a hundred and one tips on being a better parent or for that matter in other aspects of our lives. It only gives us analysis paralysis. Just learn the basics, try your best and learn from your mistakes.
And yeah your point about the moms early on leaving the children to go play in the farm made me think. Somehow we are a little too concerned and protective and don’t give the children room to fall and get back up.
It reminds me of a lecture I heard by Dr. Farhat Hashmi long long ago. In that she was talking about how when parents take the kids to the park, they’re preventing the kids from playing and exploring. She said if children fall (provided it’s just a minor thing), let them pick themselves up. Make them strong and brave.