Essential Skills in Conflict Resolution: Perspective-Taking
When I worked with individuals and couples in therapy, I had a saying: “There’s your truth, there’s their truth, and the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle.”
Our subjective perceptions and perspectives shape what we believe to be objective realities, but just because you think or feel something doesn’t actually make it truth.
The ability to have some distance with our thoughts and our feelings allows us to evaluate them more objectively and less emotionally, and also to make space for holding others’ thoughts and feelings that are different than our own.
This is an essential practice in interpersonal conflict resolution. When it comes to relationship conflicts, individuals often approach the problem from a defensive position, armed with a case they intend to make for why “No I didn’t do x” or “Well just because I did x, you shouldn’t feel y.” The goal is to try and “win” the conflict. But that’s not how relationships work. As my own couples’ therapist once said to me and my husband, “When you both lose, the relationship wins.”
What does it mean to “lose” in this context? Letting go of some of your attachment to your perspective, and reaching out for your partner’s: in short, perspective-taking.
If you’ve ever been in debate, Model U.N., or some other similarly nerdy high school activity (giving myself away here), you’ve probably seen that assignment where you have to make a case for something that you don’t actually believe in or adopt a certain country’s position that you might not agree with–that is an example of the skill of perspective-taking.
Below is an example of what a typical relationship conflict may look like:
Person A: “I don’t get why you couldn’t do the dishes when you were home all day.”
Person B: “Because I WORK from home, I’m not “at” home.”
Person A: “Okay, but you have some time in between meetings.”
Person B: “Okay, well you also go to the gym on your way home, you can skip the gym and do the dishes.”
Person A: “Okay, well you also go out for…”
And so a circular argument ensues about who has more time to do the Sisyphean task of dishes-in-the-sink, with both people doubling down on why the other should do the dishes.
Person A thinks Person B should, Person B thinks Person A should. They each are trying to convince the other why they are right and the other is wrong. The truth is neither person wants to do the dishes, and both people probably have limited time because of competing obligations.
What would perspective-taking look like in action here?
Person A: “I don’t get why you couldn’t do the dishes when you were home all day.”
Person B: “I don’t understand where that’s coming from.”
Person A: “It’s frustrating, I come home and I feel like everything’s left for me to do. It doesn’t feel like I can enjoy a clean home.”
Person B: “You’re frustrated, I get that. I mean the house gets messy, I agree with you there, and it’s sort of the nature of having young kids. And I do think we should figure out a system for the dishes, maybe taking turns or doing them together.”
Yet in the thick of conflict, when the topic is about something more emotionally-charged than dishes, why is it so hard to take another person’s perspective?
The answer is because we often hold a deep emotional attachment to our subjective truth. When a person then comes at us with an opposing perspective, one that challenges that deeply-held subjective belief, it is the caveman-equivalent of a bear attack: it sets off our fight-or-flight response: I’m feeling attacked because what I believe to be true is being challenged by someone close to me, someone whom I expect to see the world the same way I do.
You feel threatened because you feel so closely connected to your thinking, you believe unequivocally that you’re right, and it’s an emotional situation to begin with–so you’re likely entering into the conflict hurt or disappointed.
Keeping this in mind, then, the initial steps to make space for another person’s perspective are:
Temper the emotions: the initial defensiveness and sense of threat takes you to your irrational brain, where you may be tempted to lash out, yell, or curse (fight) or stonewall and shut down (flight). You simply can’t consider another person’s perspective from your lizard brain of heightened emotional reactivity. So if it requires a time-out or a deep breath, do that first.
Detach from your thinking: Look past your own correctness–your own conviction that you are right and that you need to win this. Instead, look at the situation with curiosity: you might not have all the information that you need to fully understand your partner’s perspective, so start there:
“I’m not understanding.”
“Can you tell me what caused you to feel that?”
“I want to understand what you’re saying better, tell me how it went from not doing dishes to not caring about you.”
Use precise language: “You always”, “I never”, are simply never going to be the truth, and all they do is cause both parties to double down on their truths. Focus on objective observations, like “I’ve done drop-off all five days this week”, or personal impacts, like “I’m not feeling listened to right now”, or “I’m way too angry right now to even try to listen, so I need .”
Agree on subjective emotions: There’s no point disagreeing on whether someone’s hurt, frustrated, etc. People simply feel what they feel, and it only improves conflict resolution to recognize someone else’s feelings. If your partner is telling you they’re frustrated, agree: “You’re frustrated, I see that, I’m sorry.” This also allows you to move on faster to what’s objective.
Take a bird’s-eye, neutral-party view: What if you were a third person trying to prove your partner right? Step into your partner’s shoes, picture the situation they’re talking about through their own filters and experience, and let it marinate for a while. Make a case for why they are correct.
It may not make sense to you at first and that’s OK. Stretch your mind’s capacity, lean into your own curiosity, and take the chance to practice empathy.
You may not agree with their perspective, but you might find after letting it marinate for a while, that, just like whether it’s a white-and-gold dress or a black-and-blue one, there could be a different way of seeing it.
If you retain nothing else, remember that in interpersonal conflict, the fight isn’t against the other person’s perspective. The fight is against mutual misunderstanding. Winning isn’t disproving the other, but in a shared understanding that gets you closer together, not more divided.
Got questions about perspective-taking? Drop them below:
So many flashbacks to the early days of my marriage in reading this one Samaiya haha. We definitely still get in to arguments but are quicker to see the other person's perspective and move on before it becomes a circular discussion. And I like the framing of the fight being against mutual misunderstanding.
This is such helpful explanation! I think this framework for conflict resolution can be used for more than just couples conflicts, like siblings and parents. Seeing another person's perspective is definitely hard and I think recognizing that I'm emotionally triggered helps to bring down the fire a little bit.